My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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