I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
