Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
