Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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