I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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