I feel like abortions should bother me more
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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