I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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