God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize