I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
