I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
