if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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