he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
