He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
