dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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