Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
not ubering you a puppy
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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