1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
