96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
