Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
