soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
