I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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