there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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