he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
