the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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