I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
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We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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