You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
