So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
