I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
