Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize