when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
