i already hear my dad disowning me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
