if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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