you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
