dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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