didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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