I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
