His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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