her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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