you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
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I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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