ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
