Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
