I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
