just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Im part way to drunk.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
