Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
