tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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