I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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