Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
