Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
