it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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