Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
