why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
