Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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