i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
