U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
