god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
