it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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